Public House in The East-end of Glasgow.
“Ye’re no still in the huff are ye Andy?
I tell ye, she is no gonny phone, can ye no jist accept that and stop
this ridiculous behaviour.? Every day noo for the past two weeks ye’ve
been doon here and has she phoned? Has she whit?”
“She will Sam, she will, wan o’ these
days she will. You wait and see, every day for the past two weeks I have
been coming intae the pub expecting to get a call on that phone at the
time I asked her to call, one of these days……………one of these days.”
“He’s aff his heid Malky, right aff his
trolley” said Sam to his friend “ I mean does he honestly think a wuman
like that is gonna phone him? Am away up the road, maybe you can talk
some sense intae him.”
Andy thought of all the times that he
had seen her, it was thirty years ago now since he first saw her but he
remembered the very first glimpse of her as though it were yesterday. It
had been down at his local Palais. Oh her long fair hair and that shy,
almost child-like smile, he had been instantly and completely hooked.
Since then over the years he had seen her almost fifty times though she
seemed to be with a different guy every time. He remembered too that he
had seen her along with this guy Robert who had dark hair and an Italian
sounding surname on three different occasions. She had also been with
this taller guy called Jeremy whom he remembered spoke with a strong,
distinct southern English accent. Though she had always been some
distance away from Andy all the times that he had seen her, and it had
always been dark, she somehow ‘stood out’ he thought, as for the
assortment of males she teamed up with it did not deter him in the
slightest. Such versatility he thought.
He wondered how he could get in touch
with her, but as it turned out he needn’t have worried about that as he
later found that her address was freely available, the only snag being
that she used a box number for all her correspondence. One day he would
write to her, one day. It had though taken him all these years to
eventually get down to putting pen to paper and he had written to her
four weeks ago. As he put it he had been “preparing” for the big day. At
last the great day arrived , his letter was ready and off it went. In
his haste and excitement he had almost forgotten to put a stamp on the
envelope. Well its not every day you write to Meryl Streep is it?
“Whit did ye ask her tae phone ye at a
pub for said Malky? Wis a request for her autograph no good enough for
I did ask for her autograph said Andy
but if I had brought it doon here nane o’ you lot would have believed
me, you wid all have said I wrote it mase’l. That’s why I asked her to
call me doon here at the pub and no at hame, so you would all see me
speaking to Meryl. Anyway, all I want for her is to say a few words, a
few words like “Hi Andy, and thanks for your letter>” I have even told
her she can reverse the charges.
Better no tell Sammy (The Head Barman)
that said Malky. Aye Andy ye’re a sorry case right enough. Dae ye think
she knows the dialling code for Shettleston?
Oh hell, I forgot all about that. Ach,
she get it oot the yella pages I suppose.
A slight laughter could be heard amongst
the bar regulars.
The next day Andy appeared as usual in
the bar as usual just before the appointed time of half past eleven. By
midday he was his usual depressed self.
“See whit ah mean Andy said Sam. Meryl
Streep phoning the Croon Bar. There’s marginally merr chance o’ Ian
Paisley bringing Gerry Adams in here for a pint of Guinness. Snap oot o’
this Andy and start living in the real world. Its your round anyway.
Andy sipped his pint, a look of rueful
resignation had spread over his already sad face. A few minutes later
though his face had suddenly brightened. A ‘knowing’ smile had
“Hey Sam he almost screamed at his
“Its jist dawned oan me said Andy?”
Whit’s jist dawned oan ye, is it that
there are places where ye can go and get help for this problem you have?
I think that’s a good idea Andy.”
“Naw Sam, its jist dawned on me why
Meryl hisnae phoned. Aw this time I’ve been waiting for her tae phone at
11.30 am. I forgot that where she live is seven hoors in time behind us,
she’ll still be in her bed Sam, she’ll still be in her bed Sam. Oh my,
oh my, I ‘m so relieved, here wis me thinking the worst, starting to
think that she had let me doon. Ah’ll need tae go up the road and write
her anither letter and put doon nine o’clock in the evening as a better
time tae phone me, she’ll be up and aboot at that time and I’ll be doon
here in the pub waiting on the phone ringing.
Aye Andy said Sam and Malky, shaking
their heads in exasperation as Andy downed his pint and rushed off, a
whole new purpose to his life. ©