( stories added in no specific order )
A famous incident at Glasgow Sheriff Court was when during a court case one of
the witnesses was German and it soon became apparent he could speak little
The court clerk in exasperation asked the courtroom if anyone could speak German
to translate for the court. A wee Glesga punter in the galleries stood up
" I can speak German m'lord, learnt it during the war"
He was asked to come forward and ask the witness his name. He went to to the
front of the court cleared his throat and bawled.... " Vot is your name.. eh!"........he
was fined for contempt!
parents would always ask you if you had clean underwear on ....in case you had an accident.
You can imagine your Mother going up to the hospital and the nurse saying,
"Mrs McArthur, your son's in a terrible state. He fell off a double
decker bus and he is in intensive care. I don't know if I can let you see him
right now.....incidentally his underwear was a bloody disgrace!"
Jimmy was on his deathbed. His wife Agnes, was maintaining
a vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears ran
down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked
up and his pale lips began to move slightly. 'Aw hen, ma wee sweetheart,' he
'Hush, Jimmy,' she said. 'Rest. Shhh.
Don't talk.' He was insistent. 'Agnes,' he
said in his tired voice. 'Ah've got tae tell ye something.' 'There's
nothing to tell,' replied the weeping Agnes. 'Everything's aw right, go to
'Naw, naw. I must die in peace, Agnes. I had an affair with your sister, your
best pal and your Ma.'
'I know, I know' she whispered...... 'That's why I
John Lambie, Partick Thistle manager,
when told a concussed striker did not know who he was.
That's great, tell
him he's Pele and get him back on!
One fine Glasgow wet evening, the managing director of Solripe (The Ginger
peeple!) went to Parkhead to watch his beloved Glasgow Celtic skelp some
other wee Scottish team's bahookie. Finding the car park (?) full he drove
his brand new Volvo to park in the famous "side streets" of the
( see 'streets o' Brigton' Barrowfield St )
"The Glasgow wean" who commissioned him with 'kin a watch yur
motor mister?' was disappointed when the ginger baron decided to save
himself 50p by announcing "No thanks!" Pointing to his new motor,
his pride and joy, he commented "I think those two can look after it
just fine" - (Two snarling rottweilers echoed) his money saving tip.
After watching "Jinky" Johnstone destroy some other Scottish
"Up and Coming" right-back the smug tycoon returned to his motor
to find..... 4 flat tyres and a note on his car windae!!....
"HEY MISTER! KIN YUR DUGS BLAW UP TYRES????"
This bloke is sitting reading his Daily Record newspaper when
his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
"Whit wis that fur?" he cries.
"That wis for the piece of paper in yir trooser pockets with the name
Mary-Rose written oan it," said she. "Don't
be daft," he explains,"two weeks ago when I went to the races Mary-Rose wis the name of one o' the horses I bet on."
She seems satisfied and, apologises, and goes off to do work around the
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him
again with the frying pan, knocking him out cold. When
he comes around, he says, "whit the hell wis that fur?" "Your
horse phoned!" she said.
A wee Glesca man and a woman who have
never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman
on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night, the woman
leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm freezing and I
was wondering if you could possibly pass me another
blanket." The man leans out and with a glint in his eye,
"I've got a better idea....let's kidd-on wir married." "Why
not," giggles the woman.
"Good", he replies. "Get your own blanket!"
A salesman knocks at the door of a home in Glesga and it's
answered by a 12yr old boy with a cigar in one hand and a half empty bottle
of scotch in the other. The salesman asks the boy, "Excuse me son but
is your Ma or Da in?" To which the boy replies, "Does it
look like it?"
.A Glesca woman from Glasgow's west-end was staying in
a hotel in Edinburgh, she phoned room service for some pepper. "Black
pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge. "Toilet
pepper!" yelled the woman!
A wee Glesca boy comes
home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school
Whit part is it?' The boy says,'I play the part of the Scottish husband.'
The mother scowls and says, 'Go back an' tell that teacher you want a
One day the Primary 1 teacher was reading the story of the Three Little
Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to
accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And so
the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said,
"Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said bloody
hell! A talking pig!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
This did happen on the number 7 'caur' from
Bellahouston, hurtling towards Brigton Cross on a Friday about teatime, when
we were all dying to get off and either into the pub or onto another tram or
just home. A small bloke who had a really bad hunchback was standing down on
the running step ready to alight when it slowed down, but couldn't be seen
properly by the impatient crowd behind.I heard some of them getting really
impatient and shouting for him to hurry up and jump. Turning round to them
he fearlessly shouted back.."This is a humph ah've got no a bloody parachute". Well, everyone nearly fell off with
laughing. (Bob Hay)
secrets revealed :-
Glesca couple reveal secrets to making a marriage last:
Twice a week,
they go out to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and
companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, he goes on Fridays.
sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Edinburgh and his is in Glasgow.
his wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
spoken to his wife for 18 months. He doesn't like to interrupt her.
He knows he
definitely married Mrs Right…….he didn’t know her first name was
Why do most
Glesca men die before their wives? Because they want to.
heard a great story about a wee boy who shared the family bed with his brothers,
this night when his Ma asked which end he wanted to sleep at......... he
said " the shallow-end!"
Wee guy from London is coming up to Glasgow for the first time to see his
mate who has moved up here and got a job. 'How will I know where to find
you?' he asks. 'Get off the bus at the Bridgeton Dogs Home, I live just
around the corner' says the exiled Londoner. So, his mate gets off the train
at Central Station and gets on a bus for Bridgeton. He says to the driver.
'Could you let me off at the Bridgeton Dogs Home, mate? Bridgeton Dogs Home'
The driver kind of nods. Eventually the bus arrives in the Bridgeton area
but there is no sign of any indication from the driver to the poor lad from
London. Eventually he decides to take potluck and gets off just past the
Cross. On his way off the bus he again says to the driver 'Bridgeton Dogs
Home!' The driver gives him a blank look. The stranger now completely lost
asks scores of people over the next half hour, always with the same
words-'Bridgeton Dogs Home' This goes on and on and every time he asks he
gets a blank look. Finally he cracks up and is going up and down Dalmarnock
Road and into Main Street screaming 'Bridgeton Dogs Home.' 'Bridgeton Dogs
Home.' Finally this wee hard looking guy with an angry look on his face
approaches our friend and says in a threatening voice. 'Look pal don't go 'roon
telling us aw that the Brigton dug's hame, naebody here knew that it wis
away in the first place!'
a wee shop in Brigton there was a sign which read "Beware of the
dug". A stranger entered
the shop, looked around, but could only see a harmless old dog lying fast
asleep on the floor next to the counter. He asked the shopkeeper "Is
that the dog we are supposed to beware of?" The shopkeeper said
"Aye". The guy looked surprised and said "Well, he doesn't
look dangerous to me, why did you put that sign up?"
He replied "Because people kept tripping over him."
Same Ronnie was reading his local newspaper when he spotted a holiday to be
won by the reader who can write the best pun. Ronnie thinks: " well I'm
a clever so and so, I'll send in 10 different puns and one of them is bound
to win" Alas...no pun in ten
Not a Glesca story but one I like.....urban myth so I'm told
His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer.
One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help
coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog. There,
mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and
struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could
have been a slow and terrifying death.
The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse
surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced
himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved. "I want
to repay you, " said the nobleman. "You saved my son's
life." "No, I can't accept payment for what I did, " the
Scottish farmer replied, waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's
own son came to the door of the family hovel. "Is that your son? "
the nobleman asked. "Yes, " the farmer replied proudly. "I'll
make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my son
will enjoy. If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt grow to
be a man we both will be proud of."
And that he did. Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools
and in time, he graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in
London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir
Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.
Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog
was stricken with pneumonia. What saved his life this time? Penicillin.
The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill. His son's name? Sir
.(Alexander Fleming born at Lochfield Farm near Darvel, in Ayrshire)
Glesca Stories II
Glesca Stories III
Glesca Adult stories
over 18's only )
Hope you all enjoyed
these tales and had a good laugh.......webmaister.
01 July, 2011